CocaLola's Journal

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23 February 2020

INSIGHT? PART 3

High school was the very first real friend I made; a friendship that would last until today. After a year she moved to another town and I met my next best friend, who passed away of a heart attack recently. I really had no shortage of friends in these years. I met my first boyfriend in grade 9. He was actually visiting MC and when she showed no interest he decided to move to the next sister. In hindsight, THAT WAS MESSED UP!!! Yet another situation where MC was superior and I had to happy with the "hand-me-downs"; just grateful that I was "chosen". This was a relationship that would last for more than a year. We didn't break up by choice, we were forced to. (The details are really not important). My very first heartbreak! I can remember I was devastated and now I understand why breakups during my life left me emotionally crippled and it took me quite some time to get over them. I was being rejected over and over and over again. It only confirmed my mother's disdain for me. I was not worthy of being loved. I was a burden to everybody. I was just trouble. I was in relationships during the duration of High school. I HAD TO have a boyfriend. Because having a boyfriend meant I was loved, I was worthy, I was acceptable! Having a boyfriend made me whole.

On the home front things had escalated to another level. My mother accused my father of having an affair with a lady at work. I honest to God do not know when he was supposed to have this affair, because my father went from home to work and work to home. He never ever went out in the evenings, EVER!!! If he had to go anywhere he would take one of us with him, probably just to prove to her that her accusations were not true. These accusations never ended until the day she passed away. And she made my father's life hell. I can honestly say that I never saw or heard my parents fight. These accusations only came to light later in my adult life. Looking back it all just made so much sense why she acted and behaved the way she did. (I would go on to confront my dad about this much later in life and he adamantly denied it.)

As an adult I realized that my mother had serious psychological issues. Her mother abused her and she carried on to abuse us, because she did abuse all of us, just on different levels. During the time that she suspected my dad of an affair she fell pregnant with Rob. I was 16 the time she was born. And boy did I love that little girl. So sad for me to say this, but my mothers anger and rage turned from me to Rob and my dad. I literally raised her. I changed nappies, got up during the night, taught her how to walk, talk, ride a bike, swim. She was my little doll. But I wasn't there for much longer. I matriculated at the age of 17, during which time my parents moved to Bloemfontein. I had a few odd at restaurants. Then I met the devil. This relationship carried on for two years. Two years I was bitten, head butted, throw to the floor like a rag doll. This one actually proposed to me and 5 months later I caught him cheating (which eventually became his wife - from which he got divorced recently).

At this point in time my dad was transferred back to the small town I grew up in and I think I saw this as an opportunity to get out of the house for good. My father was not happy. I was told that I will not take a single thing from HIS HOUSE, not even a suite case for my clothes, NOTHING! Not even my bedroom set or bed which was given to me as a birthday present for my 16th birthday. So off I went with a black bag full of the little I had and R10 in my pocket. No job at this point either. MC was also living in Bloem at the time and I asked her if I could stay with her for a while. That same afternoon I went from restaurant to restaurant looking for a waitress job and by sunset I got myself a job at a MacRib walking distance from MC's flat, so that solved my transport issues too. FANTASTIC!!!!! But to me, I was not free yet, because MC would update my parents on everything I did... So I saved up money AND MOVED OUT! This all happened in a matter of 3 weeks. NOW I WAS FINALLY FREE!!! My father eventually agreed that I could have ALL my belongings and even threw in a little black & white TV. For the first time in my life I could see the pride in his eyes. From the day I left home, I never ever looked back or asked for help.

This was the time the relationships between me and my mom and me and my dad changed. It felt like they actually started noticing me as a human being and treating me like one. I was 19 at the time. The best part of that time of my life was probably arranging my own 21st and paying for everything myself AND inviting my parents to my party. The dynamic had definitely changed at this point in time. I WAS REALLY HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!! I visited home a lot and now things were just different. I was making good money. I had a lot of wonderful friends. My bosses were like a surrogate mom & dad who really taught me so much, I will forever be grateful to them both. LIFE WAS GOOD!

But I was soon going to get involved in a relationship that would cause me so much heartache.... I met my mother in male form. A relationship that would rob me of 20 years of my life.

TO BE CONTINUED...

(5 comments)

22 February 2020

INSIGHT? PART 2

I know a few will look at my entries and think "What does this have to do with weight loss????", it actually has everything to do with weight loss. The reason I decided to take a good hard look at who I am and figure out what shaped me into the person I am was because of the self loathing I feel often and this does absolutely dictates how I TREAT MYSELF! To me it just does not make sense that I can create super successful businesses out of nothing and have such a challenging time to lose some weight! What are the conversations I have with myself that creates such disregard for myself. I would never treat anybody else with such disrespect or disregard, why is it okay for me to treat myself that way? Why is it okay for everybody else to make mistakes, because I am very quick to rectify their behavior by saying "BE KIND TO YOURSELF", but I am only kind to others, not myself.

Let me just mention that both my parents have passed on years ago and that I tried in vane to have these discussions with my mother, to no avail. It just made our relationship more volatile. After my father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 60, my mother was absolutely lost without him and Rob was still at home at this time. So I did the right thing and invited them to live with me. Let us make it clear that I was never the favorite child, it was quite the opposite, I was the "troubled child". Whenever I did anything that upset her, she would literally phone the entire family and tell anybody and everybody who would listen. So in the end I was labeled as the bad child by everybody (well so I thought and felt). You might wonder what things would upset my dear mother. ANYTHING! The worst I did was slip out of the house and meet my other friends and then go down to the local sokkie. I bunked periods at school. That might have been my worse offences.

MC fell pregnant at the age of 17 and guess who paid the price for that one? I was never allowed to go anywhere ever. I was not even allowed to go to school sokkies etc. I spent my high school years in one school, thank God. Growing up in a very small town in the Free State. There was absolutely no reason to lock me up like a prisoner. So the next best thing was to slip out of the house and meet up with friends. Until I was caught.... on Friday the 13th. (We still joke about it till this day). My dad brought me home and I knew I was going to get the beating of my life and so I did. That might have been the one hiding I deserved. There are so many facets to my story, so my apology if I jump from one subject to the next.

Even though my mother beat the absolute shit out of me I never ever cried. THAT still boggles me to this day, why I did that. So the night I was caught slipping out of the house you can imagine her absolute rage. She took to me with a belt like a possessed woman. It was so bad that Mon told me that she hid under her bed and covered her eyes, because she thought my mother was going to beat me to death. FOR ONCE my father stepped between us and told her that it was enough. THEN, she took to him with the belt. She kept on hitting and hitting and hitting until she passed out. Talking about this night leaves me feeling extremely emotional, because now being a mother myself I cannot imagine ever hitting my son like that and I cannot help thinking that she really had to hate me a lot. She did not beat my sisters like that EVER. At the time she was staying with me I did ask her why she beat me like that and not the others and her reply: "Because you probably deserved it". Mon just looked at her in utter horror. Understand why I stopped trying to fix our relationship, because she only made me feel even worse than what I already did. She was never going to take responsibility for her actions & her behavior. I just had to accept it for what it was. My mother passed away 7 years ago and still I struggle to understand why she treated me so differently.

Looking back at my high school years I was quite popular with friends and even the teachers. I was a well behaved, respectful girl. I wasn't a bad kid at all. I never talked back. Did as I was asked or told. I honestly walked on egg shells and never wanted to upset her, but I was clearly the target of her rage and I realize now that nothing I ever did would have made her happy EVER. It was like I was the cause of every little thing that went wrong in her life and I was going to pay the price. The sad part of that was that my sisters knew this and MC continuously threw me under the bus, because she knew my mother would believe her over me. Those years of my life was extremely lonely. I part-took in any sport I could, because that was the only acceptable reason for me to not be at home. In need to mention that out of the 4 girls I am the only "sporty" one that excelled in that area. But still I have no memory of my parents ever showing up for any hockey game, track event, netball game... anything! There was absolutely no positive interaction with my parents. And I can now understand why I often just stay in my lane regardless of the situation. I now understand why I became a people pleaser no matter how badly I was treated. I now understand the absolute disregard for myself, because I was taught that I didnt really matter much to anybody and was only a source of disappointment.

Now as an adult I can see why I felt so lonely and why I felt "different", which I still do to this day. No matter what I did, it just did not matter, as long as I stayed in my lane and did not "upset my mother". I honest to God cannot remember getting any praise from either my parents, EVER.

Even having insight to all this, it is pretty damn hard to change these negative beliefs. I have to constantly be aware of the conversations I have with myself and the horrible things I subconsciously tell myself.

In order for me to break this pattern, I have to understand how it came to be and let me tell you, its hard.

TO BE CONTINUED....

(8 comments)

22 February 2020

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
98.4 kg	5.6 kg	19.4 kg	Poorly

Add Comment Losing 0.1 kg a Week

21 February 2020

INSIGHT? PART 1

I have been depressed for what could be months more than weeks. A bout of depression I do not really understand, because I have so much going for myself. A lot of people would be more than happy to have my life? I had to dig really deep to "solve" this mystery of my constant bouts of depression that seem to me for no apparent reason; it's just not normal!

I want to share my story, because maybe it could help someone else. I know I have said it before; I do not make these entries for sympathy or empathy. I am writing them to not only make sense of my own "demons", but maybe someone else can relate and find some answers and hope?

I don't know where to start, but at the beginning of my life.

I am one of 4 girls. There is MC (50) the eldest, me (47), Mon (40) and Rob (31). A average, normal working class family. We moved around so much that I was in 2 different schools just in Grade 1. I was a skinny, quiet, odd little kid and was immediately picked on and bullied. Constantly being the "new kid" I didn't really have time to make friends and have no memory of really having any friends up until High School. I have little or few memories of my primary school days and those I do have are of being bullied constantly. I don't know why I never told my mother, maybe because she was not very emotionally present and the often beating me and MC would receive, I now realize that we were being physically abused and emotionally neglected. (Still hard to admit). She did everything else expected of a mother; cooked, cleaned, made sure we were neat & tidy. Need I say we all had excellent manners. From the outside in she must have looked like Mary Poppins. NOT THROWING MY MOTHER UNDER THE BUS, she did what she was taught and she did the best she knew how. My father worked "away" a lot and I can imagine that raising 3 kids by yourself must have been very challenging and stressful. I sometimes wonder if he even knew she was physically abusive and was really beating us the way that she was. We were literally well trained little soldiers; to give you a better idea of just HOW well mannered we were.

Being a parent myself and looking back at what I had to go through with my own son, WE were perfect little angels compared.

To my mother we were a burden. (Just my thought looking back). I can honest to God not remember that my mother ever hugged me or MC. I cannot remember having fun with my mom. I cannot remember having any kind of conversation with her. All I can remember is being scolded and beat often and that was about as far as interacting with her went. She was a stay at home mom, so I did not go to a pre-school, a creche. I had no interaction with others, but with my family and family friends. (by whom I was molested as well at the age of 5). I can remember how badly I wanted to go to school like my big sister. (Never knowing how badly I was going to be bullied :( )

Looking back at just this part of my life and realizing that THIS is what shaped me as a person from a young child shed A LOT of light on who I am and why I act & react the way I do. This is the reason I have felt lonely, unloved and unwanted. This might also be the reason for being in abusive relationships over and over and over again.

I am still that little 5 year old girl! The feeling of never belonging as real as it was 42 years ago. The constant awareness of NOT being a burden to others, still alive. The feeling of being a burden to others. The feeling of not having a voice and not allowed to use my voice. The constant depression of I am not worthy, I dont matter, nobody cares, you are just a burden... All these feelings and emotions were ingrained in me; this is the way I was programmed from a very young age. THIS SHAPED MY ENTIRE LIFE!

TO BE CONTINUED.....

(10 comments)

13 February 2020

FIRSTLY before I write this entry I want everybody to understand that I am not writing these posts for attention. I am writing them for two reasons. One, to talk to someone (even though its a lot of strangers) and two, because I hope that someone can relate and find some comfort in knowing they are not alone.

At first it felt quite safe to write these journal entries and it was fun, but after, what I interpreted as an attack on my character, I just stopped journaling on FS all together. What felt like a life line to me for a couple of weeks, became just another place where you are judged and criticized.

Being in the public eye most of my days, trust me I get enough of that in the real world. FS became my little safe haven, a place where I was a stranger just like the next member. It became my happy place. Where I could just be ME without worrying that the entire world is waiting for me to fall flat on my face. (Again my OWN interpretation of my life)

Words dont hurt, unless you pay attention to them -- is easier said than done!

(7 comments)

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