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INSIGHT? PART 3
High school was the very first real friend I made; a friendship that would last until today. After a year she moved to another town and I met my next best friend, who passed away of a heart attack recently. I really had no shortage of friends in these years. I met my first boyfriend in grade 9. He was actually visiting MC and when she showed no interest he decided to move to the next sister. In hindsight, THAT WAS MESSED UP!!! Yet another situation where MC was superior and I had to happy with the "hand-me-downs"; just grateful that I was "chosen". This was a relationship that would last for more than a year. We didn't break up by choice, we were forced to. (The details are really not important). My very first heartbreak! I can remember I was devastated and now I understand why breakups during my life left me emotionally crippled and it took me quite some time to get over them. I was being rejected over and over and over again. It only confirmed my mother's disdain for me. I was not worthy of being loved. I was a burden to everybody. I was just trouble. I was in relationships during the duration of High school. I HAD TO have a boyfriend. Because having a boyfriend meant I was loved, I was worthy, I was acceptable! Having a boyfriend made me whole.
On the home front things had escalated to another level. My mother accused my father of having an affair with a lady at work. I honest to God do not know when he was supposed to have this affair, because my father went from home to work and work to home. He never ever went out in the evenings, EVER!!! If he had to go anywhere he would take one of us with him, probably just to prove to her that her accusations were not true. These accusations never ended until the day she passed away. And she made my father's life hell. I can honestly say that I never saw or heard my parents fight. These accusations only came to light later in my adult life. Looking back it all just made so much sense why she acted and behaved the way she did. (I would go on to confront my dad about this much later in life and he adamantly denied it.)
As an adult I realized that my mother had serious psychological issues. Her mother abused her and she carried on to abuse us, because she did abuse all of us, just on different levels. During the time that she suspected my dad of an affair she fell pregnant with Rob. I was 16 the time she was born. And boy did I love that little girl. So sad for me to say this, but my mothers anger and rage turned from me to Rob and my dad. I literally raised her. I changed nappies, got up during the night, taught her how to walk, talk, ride a bike, swim. She was my little doll. But I wasn't there for much longer. I matriculated at the age of 17, during which time my parents moved to Bloemfontein. I had a few odd at restaurants. Then I met the devil. This relationship carried on for two years. Two years I was bitten, head butted, throw to the floor like a rag doll. This one actually proposed to me and 5 months later I caught him cheating (which eventually became his wife - from which he got divorced recently).
At this point in time my dad was transferred back to the small town I grew up in and I think I saw this as an opportunity to get out of the house for good. My father was not happy. I was told that I will not take a single thing from HIS HOUSE, not even a suite case for my clothes, NOTHING! Not even my bedroom set or bed which was given to me as a birthday present for my 16th birthday. So off I went with a black bag full of the little I had and R10 in my pocket. No job at this point either. MC was also living in Bloem at the time and I asked her if I could stay with her for a while. That same afternoon I went from restaurant to restaurant looking for a waitress job and by sunset I got myself a job at a MacRib walking distance from MC's flat, so that solved my transport issues too. FANTASTIC!!!!! But to me, I was not free yet, because MC would update my parents on everything I did... So I saved up money AND MOVED OUT! This all happened in a matter of 3 weeks. NOW I WAS FINALLY FREE!!! My father eventually agreed that I could have ALL my belongings and even threw in a little black & white TV. For the first time in my life I could see the pride in his eyes. From the day I left home, I never ever looked back or asked for help.
This was the time the relationships between me and my mom and me and my dad changed. It felt like they actually started noticing me as a human being and treating me like one. I was 19 at the time. The best part of that time of my life was probably arranging my own 21st and paying for everything myself AND inviting my parents to my party. The dynamic had definitely changed at this point in time. I WAS REALLY HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!!! I visited home a lot and now things were just different. I was making good money. I had a lot of wonderful friends. My bosses were like a surrogate mom & dad who really taught me so much, I will forever be grateful to them both. LIFE WAS GOOD!
But I was soon going to get involved in a relationship that would cause me so much heartache.... I met my mother in male form. A relationship that would rob me of 20 years of my life.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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