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INSIGHT? PART 1
I have been depressed for what could be months more than weeks. A bout of depression I do not really understand, because I have so much going for myself. A lot of people would be more than happy to have my life? I had to dig really deep to "solve" this mystery of my constant bouts of depression that seem to me for no apparent reason; it's just not normal!
I want to share my story, because maybe it could help someone else. I know I have said it before; I do not make these entries for sympathy or empathy. I am writing them to not only make sense of my own "demons", but maybe someone else can relate and find some answers and hope?
I don't know where to start, but at the beginning of my life.
I am one of 4 girls. There is MC (50) the eldest, me (47), Mon (40) and Rob (31). A average, normal working class family. We moved around so much that I was in 2 different schools just in Grade 1. I was a skinny, quiet, odd little kid and was immediately picked on and bullied. Constantly being the "new kid" I didn't really have time to make friends and have no memory of really having any friends up until High School. I have little or few memories of my primary school days and those I do have are of being bullied constantly. I don't know why I never told my mother, maybe because she was not very emotionally present and the often beating me and MC would receive, I now realize that we were being physically abused and emotionally neglected. (Still hard to admit). She did everything else expected of a mother; cooked, cleaned, made sure we were neat & tidy. Need I say we all had excellent manners. From the outside in she must have looked like Mary Poppins. NOT THROWING MY MOTHER UNDER THE BUS, she did what she was taught and she did the best she knew how. My father worked "away" a lot and I can imagine that raising 3 kids by yourself must have been very challenging and stressful. I sometimes wonder if he even knew she was physically abusive and was really beating us the way that she was. We were literally well trained little soldiers; to give you a better idea of just HOW well mannered we were.
Being a parent myself and looking back at what I had to go through with my own son, WE were perfect little angels compared.
To my mother we were a burden. (Just my thought looking back). I can honest to God not remember that my mother ever hugged me or MC. I cannot remember having fun with my mom. I cannot remember having any kind of conversation with her. All I can remember is being scolded and beat often and that was about as far as interacting with her went. She was a stay at home mom, so I did not go to a pre-school, a creche. I had no interaction with others, but with my family and family friends. (by whom I was molested as well at the age of 5). I can remember how badly I wanted to go to school like my big sister. (Never knowing how badly I was going to be bullied :( )
Looking back at just this part of my life and realizing that THIS is what shaped me as a person from a young child shed A LOT of light on who I am and why I act & react the way I do. This is the reason I have felt lonely, unloved and unwanted. This might also be the reason for being in abusive relationships over and over and over again.
I am still that little 5 year old girl! The feeling of never belonging as real as it was 42 years ago. The constant awareness of NOT being a burden to others, still alive. The feeling of being a burden to others. The feeling of not having a voice and not allowed to use my voice. The constant depression of I am not worthy, I dont matter, nobody cares, you are just a burden... All these feelings and emotions were ingrained in me; this is the way I was programmed from a very young age. THIS SHAPED MY ENTIRE LIFE!
TO BE CONTINUED.....
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