CocaLola's Journal, 22 Feb 20

INSIGHT? PART 2

I know a few will look at my entries and think "What does this have to do with weight loss????", it actually has everything to do with weight loss. The reason I decided to take a good hard look at who I am and figure out what shaped me into the person I am was because of the self loathing I feel often and this does absolutely dictates how I TREAT MYSELF! To me it just does not make sense that I can create super successful businesses out of nothing and have such a challenging time to lose some weight! What are the conversations I have with myself that creates such disregard for myself. I would never treat anybody else with such disrespect or disregard, why is it okay for me to treat myself that way? Why is it okay for everybody else to make mistakes, because I am very quick to rectify their behavior by saying "BE KIND TO YOURSELF", but I am only kind to others, not myself.

Let me just mention that both my parents have passed on years ago and that I tried in vane to have these discussions with my mother, to no avail. It just made our relationship more volatile. After my father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 60, my mother was absolutely lost without him and Rob was still at home at this time. So I did the right thing and invited them to live with me. Let us make it clear that I was never the favorite child, it was quite the opposite, I was the "troubled child". Whenever I did anything that upset her, she would literally phone the entire family and tell anybody and everybody who would listen. So in the end I was labeled as the bad child by everybody (well so I thought and felt). You might wonder what things would upset my dear mother. ANYTHING! The worst I did was slip out of the house and meet my other friends and then go down to the local sokkie. I bunked periods at school. That might have been my worse offences.

MC fell pregnant at the age of 17 and guess who paid the price for that one? I was never allowed to go anywhere ever. I was not even allowed to go to school sokkies etc. I spent my high school years in one school, thank God. Growing up in a very small town in the Free State. There was absolutely no reason to lock me up like a prisoner. So the next best thing was to slip out of the house and meet up with friends. Until I was caught.... on Friday the 13th. (We still joke about it till this day). My dad brought me home and I knew I was going to get the beating of my life and so I did. That might have been the one hiding I deserved. There are so many facets to my story, so my apology if I jump from one subject to the next.

Even though my mother beat the absolute shit out of me I never ever cried. THAT still boggles me to this day, why I did that. So the night I was caught slipping out of the house you can imagine her absolute rage. She took to me with a belt like a possessed woman. It was so bad that Mon told me that she hid under her bed and covered her eyes, because she thought my mother was going to beat me to death. FOR ONCE my father stepped between us and told her that it was enough. THEN, she took to him with the belt. She kept on hitting and hitting and hitting until she passed out. Talking about this night leaves me feeling extremely emotional, because now being a mother myself I cannot imagine ever hitting my son like that and I cannot help thinking that she really had to hate me a lot. She did not beat my sisters like that EVER. At the time she was staying with me I did ask her why she beat me like that and not the others and her reply: "Because you probably deserved it". Mon just looked at her in utter horror. Understand why I stopped trying to fix our relationship, because she only made me feel even worse than what I already did. She was never going to take responsibility for her actions & her behavior. I just had to accept it for what it was. My mother passed away 7 years ago and still I struggle to understand why she treated me so differently.

Looking back at my high school years I was quite popular with friends and even the teachers. I was a well behaved, respectful girl. I wasn't a bad kid at all. I never talked back. Did as I was asked or told. I honestly walked on egg shells and never wanted to upset her, but I was clearly the target of her rage and I realize now that nothing I ever did would have made her happy EVER. It was like I was the cause of every little thing that went wrong in her life and I was going to pay the price. The sad part of that was that my sisters knew this and MC continuously threw me under the bus, because she knew my mother would believe her over me. Those years of my life was extremely lonely. I part-took in any sport I could, because that was the only acceptable reason for me to not be at home. In need to mention that out of the 4 girls I am the only "sporty" one that excelled in that area. But still I have no memory of my parents ever showing up for any hockey game, track event, netball game... anything! There was absolutely no positive interaction with my parents. And I can now understand why I often just stay in my lane regardless of the situation. I now understand why I became a people pleaser no matter how badly I was treated. I now understand the absolute disregard for myself, because I was taught that I didnt really matter much to anybody and was only a source of disappointment.

Now as an adult I can see why I felt so lonely and why I felt "different", which I still do to this day. No matter what I did, it just did not matter, as long as I stayed in my lane and did not "upset my mother". I honest to God cannot remember getting any praise from either my parents, EVER.

Even having insight to all this, it is pretty damn hard to change these negative beliefs. I have to constantly be aware of the conversations I have with myself and the horrible things I subconsciously tell myself.

In order for me to break this pattern, I have to understand how it came to be and let me tell you, its hard.

TO BE CONTINUED....