jespes26's Journal, 09 Jun 22

Interesting one ☺️ Sometimes I wish I could go back and look at myself through more mature eyes...... All my life I felt like the "fat sister". But as an adult I was less than 60kg. Normally around 58kg. I don't even know why I always always felt I was fat. I have struggled with an unhealthy food relationship, body image problems and mild eating disorder basically since my teens. I had my son and during pregnancy ballooned all the way up to over 100kg 😣, but admittedly started my pregnancy heavier than I should have been. But when I had my daughter....that's when I knew I wanted better for her. She's such a big driver behind my change and she doesn't even know it... This is all just so much info sorry... To get to how I chose it. I got married at about 61kg... My original goal weight was 65kg, but I have adjusted to around 58kg, and actually how I got to that figure I calculated my BMI for height and weight (yes all the things about BMI not being a good measurement etc etc....) and the midway point on "normal weight" for my height and age (so between 18-25 for females) - 21.50 works out to 58.4kg I figured let's see if I can get there, I'm not going to punish myself down to that weight, but my weight has been moving nicely the last 3 months, and if it's not sustainable I will adjust. I have 6kg to go, which I hope to get to by around October maybe? 

Thank you for sharing ❤️ Interesting you say you felt like the fat sister. I was that- I have three sisters who are blonde and tanned and I was ginger haired and chubby. We were all chubby actually, but I was more of an object of bullying (within our family and outside) When my dad used to fat shame us I used to console my sister and encourage them about how they could not take the words to heart and not allow themselves to punish themselves because of it etc but I was internalising all of that myself and I was the one who eventually developed an eating disorder. It was also an eye opener for me having daughters and realising I wanted something different for them. My younger daughter was naturally quite thick-set (both my daughters are adopted so we are genetically unrelated)- and she has her biological moms build, just bigger bones and a real bum, even when she was a baby. And I knew the world would tell her that wasn’t beautiful but I pushed against it and when people would comment when she was very young how fat or chubby she was, I would actually openly ask them not too. And I asked my own older children to avoid the same. I don’t actually have a problem with the word fat, I think it needs to be reclaimed- but I know it comes with a label to others. My daughter is now 6 and has lost most of her baby fat, she has a beautiful build and still has that beautiful bum. I see her sometimes posing in the mirror and saying, I’m so beautiful mom. Even though I know it will be a lifelong battle, the ground is being established and we can raise girls who know something different ❤️ 

Ah man Jespes - you brought tears to my eyes. I'm not a child anymore and I can never go back, but I SO regret all those years of punishing myself!! My older sister is taller than my younger sister and I, and my younger sister while same height as myself is petite but also a serious undereater. I am naturally slightly more curvy than them, I have boobs, and fair skinned and blonde where they are tan skinned and dark haired... The women in my family are beautiful. My grandmother was voted sexiest grandmother in SA by a magazine back when such a thing existed. My mother was always beautiful until the day she died in 2019. I don't know why I always felt this way, and yet now that I'm older I just wish I could take it back. My baby girl is this beautiful little blue eyed platinum blonde toddler with this gorgeous little soft round body and I just want her to celebrate herself instead of always thinking she isn't beautiful. I love the idea of saying we can reclaim that word, and am also admittedly terrified of it. I wish my mother had been kinder to me and taught me what I wish to teach my baby girl  

I don't wish to speak ill of her, but instead of helping me or seeking help for me, my mother told me that I embarrassed her when she found out about bulimia through a friends parent....  

I'm sorry I feel like I've hijacked your post 😣🥴 

Dam...Its always hard to read something that hits so close to home. I hope you have both healed and that your worth is not defined by a scale or opinions of others. Take care ladies✨️🤟💜-Kick ass and take names! 

Reading your truth hits home on so many levels. It's so important to remember the emotional and mental effects of our weight journey and where it stems from. When we find the root we can kiss it and heal all the way up! You are beautiful ladies and I'm so proud of your progress and the seed your planting in your children. 

We have all been through such similar things hey. Reminds me again that weight loss has a lot do do with the inside, so much more than just eating and losing weight❤️❤️❤️ 

Waistaway, I know what you mean- it’s hard to think back to how my parents dealt with things and wonder, how did that shape my journey. My parents also knew I was self- injuring and abusing laxatives but they didn’t do anything, and in general they weren’t hands off parents, more the opposite (incredibly controlling). There is a Bible verse that says, mercy triumphs over judgement. And my counsellor once told me, we always think it means, don’t judge. But it means, we look at a situation actually and we do judge it, and then we choose to show mercy. So I can look at aspects of my childhood and say, yes it was wrong and I should not have been treated like that, and then I can show mercy, and forgive my parents and choose to build a new way. This has been helpful for me. My teenage daughter loves to eat. I watch her eating with abandon, saying I just want more because it tastes nice. She loves to cook, buys herself a slab of chocolate with her birthday money, but she devours a salad too because to also tastes good. She said to me once, I don’t want to eat too much in case I get fat- her friends had told her that can happen. And I said to her, you know if we eat good food, we stop eating when we are full, and we just enjoy moving our bodies every day, that won’t really happen. And she was reassured and back to normal. And I think, her and I did it, we broke the cycle.  

Jespes I think that you might have expanded me emotionally and spiritually in one day more than you might ever realise. I have never viewed that scripture in James like that - and I truly hope to start viewing those painful moments in such a beautiful way. I also truly hope to, as my daughter grows older, have as much wisdom and grace as you do with regards to handling food matters with my daughter 🙏  

❤️❤️Waistaway 

Love reading this post and the meaningful comments.