Pollylock1's Journal, 01 May 21

It’s funny in a non-funny way reading a story so much like my own. I remember being taken to the doctor for my weight when I was about 8 and I remember being weighed at school for something and the nurse saying in front of all my classmates, do this in the non-verbal please. I remember also being taken to weigh-less my by mom who used it very successfully to lose weight herself. Recently I snapped a picture of all bran flakes (my daughters favourite) and sent it to my three sisters and said, what does this make you think of? All replied within ten seconds ‘weigh less’. I also learned how to starve myself and lose weight and follow the Cabbage soup diet as a teen from 16, how to abuse laxatives and fake like I was eating. My parents used to search my room which smelled bad because they knew I was hiding food in their but they could never catch me ( I would hide it in packets inside a pencil bag at the bottom of my school bag under my textbooks) I also know gaining weight relentlessly when I developed hashimotos disease, I remember my parents sitting my siblings and me down and my dad shouting/screaming at us for being overweight when I was about 14, but I also remember my mother buying me 100g macadamia nuts and a cream soda every single day after school and sometimes a packet of fudge as well.. to this day I despise dieticians (sorry to any reading this) because of the disdainful way they treated me over the years. Especially for the 10 months before my hashimotos was diagnosed I remember sticking so carefully to my allotted food plan and going back each week and being 1-2kgs more and the dietician accusing me of cheating. I remember being 17 and in the throes of my eating disorder and going to see a dietician forced by my parents. I took with me a stack of journals where I listed the grams of every food I ate, everything I drank and the times and my weight etc etc and she looked through it and just asked me some questions and said to me ‘your calorie count for skinless chicken is wrong’ nothing about what an unhealthy obsessive habit it was 

Sorry for that long and useless ramble. May we both find something new and better. My one joy in life is I have so far managed to raise my one daughter free of this kind of thought process and inner world. My second daughter is much younger but so far so good as well, even though she is naturally quite a chunky build. 

@Jespes26 Thank you so much for sharing your experience (no rambling at all!) The All Bran Flakes is a real flashback to Weighless days, woah. I remember that breakfast option too well. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this!I feel like our childhood experiences have shaped our behaviours and relationships with food today. There’s a part of me that resents my parents, but then again, they were trying their best and have their own issues to address. I love that you’re working to ensure your children have healthy relationships with food, that’s really amazing - you’re setting them up well for the future. You’re also doing really well for yourself! I have a question: Will we always struggle and need to be mindful for those of us who have had long standing food issues since childhood? Is there ever a way to get to a point where you can train yourself as an adult to have an easy relationship with food? 

it's hard listening to all your stories and not being able to do more to help. the best i can do is recommended that you watch something online that absolutely changed the way i see food and nutrition. in the end we must all find something that works for us and that takes time and research. i hope this link helps you on your path. search for how to loose weight without loosing your mind by forks over knives on youtube 

Hey Polly - thanks for sharing your story - I am so sure so many of us can relate to it. It’s oftentimes so difficult to look back where and how we came to be at this exact moment, but definitely really necessary. 🤗 I feel so much what jespes said “it’s funny in a non-funny way”. I was always overweight as a kid as well, and went through all the usual comments and mockery about my weight. At a young age I realised that there is this weird bias towards skinny people and that they naturally just get a great head start in life and in being successful (whether or not that’s true - is still up for debate; but that was my perception at the time). I lost my mom at a very young age, and thankful that he never wanted to put me on all these programmes. He did however makes sly comments every now and again (and he probably had the best intention) that ruined my relationship with food... I have, however, more related to your comment - realised that I will probably never have a “normal” relationship with food. I will never get to eat whatever I want and be my goal weight. I’ll never be able to eat what all my friends and partner eats and have a consistent weight like they do. I’ll probably still suffer with my binging habits and then restricting habits.... I’ll probably have my weight, and food, and body on my mind more than a normal person should. This is just another battle to fight daily - like so many other battles we deal with. We are extraordinary and brave and powerful! And above those things - I so much more enjoy being a skinnier, healthier, active version of myself than the blob I was before... 💚 

Thank you for the recommendation @lallie er! I will watch the doccie ❤️ @unicorns_exist thank you for sharing your childhood experience. I agree, I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I can’t just eat whatever I want like others do. I think mindfulness with food is something I’ll need to practice and exercise for the rest of my life. I need to work out gentleness mixed with reality and a pinch of self-challenge. I like challenging myself; just need to work out how to be fair on myself and realistic. That’s a the challenge. Balancing all these things. Thank you for your support and kind words - they really help carry me forward on this journey ❤️🙌🏻❤️ 

I’ve been thinking about what you said, will we always be ‘like this’ in a sense. I think I can see I have grown so much actually and changed mentally- where I used to really have so much self-hatred I don’t anymore. That wasn’t linked to losing weight though but therapy etc and being very honest with myself about what I was feeling and journaling etc. Once I read about a lady who had lost weight by sticking to a very strict diet and she said she cheated four times a year- her and her husbands birthdays, anniversary and Christmas. I think I want to get to the place where 95% of the time I am on my plan and I’ve accepted like Unicorns said, I won’t be the person who can go out for coffee and cake just because or eat popcorn because we are watching a movie etc. But where I can enjoy my and my kids birthdays, maybe Christmas, maybe an anniversary etc and just ENJOY the day and the food and wake up then next morning and carry on. Not necessarily binge and eat high carbs and sugar but just for that day not think About my food intake or my macros etc. But to be able to not turn that into a 2,3,4 day over eating. I would like to land in that place. And I would like to eventually get to a place where I don’t count cals every day. Maybe give myself say a Sat or Sun off not to over eat but just to eat normal portions that I know without counting. Those will feel like ‘food freedom’ for me