Unicorns_Exist's Journal, 18 May 21

Following my last post - I want to thank all the people that commented on it, and gave advice, perspectives, and shared stories.

After a lot of introspection, and thinking about this (probably even over-thinking it), I noted 5 key things that changed my relationship with food. As many people mentioned - changing the inside is just as important as changing the outside.

I don't expect anyone to read it, but I NEEDED to admit this to myself and make this a CRUCIAL part of my journey to wellness and, as such, decided to log this here.

1. Historically, like many other families, my family celebrated food and mealtimes. When we were happy - we ate. When we were sad - we ate. When we were angry, or wanted to celebrate, or wanted to bond as a family.... you guessed it - we ate. These mealtimes weren't just food - they were events, experiences. We always ate with intent - not to nourish our bodies, but intentionally be happy, sad, or whatever other feelings we humans have.

2. My extremely obese mother passed away at the age of 39 when I was just 4 years old. I have always subconsciously thought that it was my destiny to be obese as well... It was after all, in my genes... and in my mind, I couldn't fight that. No one really talked to me about portion control, or that I shouldn't eat everything and anything I craved, whenever I felt like it. So when the slightest of craving hit, or whenever I was feeling even just a bit hungry, I would eat way too much of whatever I could lay my hands on. And so started the evil cycle of binging.

When I hit my teenage years, I tried purging after my binging episodes... but could never physically do it. My weight, subsequently, just increased and increased... but I thought "It was my destiny".

3. I fell in love with cooking, and baking - it was a way for me to show appreciation to my dad (for bringing us girls up after my mom passed). I experimented with cooking and baking from a very young age, and it soon became a hobby... the problem? Once you bake or cook something - you kinda have to eat it. So I indulged in everything I made - of course - way too much of it. Always.

4. Then my matric year came around... and we found out my dad had cancer. I moved to PTA to live with my oldest sister and her hubby while studying. My sister followed the slender wonder eating plan, and I followed it with her (without the injections). I went from 97kgs to 84kgs... and then my dad passed away when I was 19. Queue the binge eating for 3 years... In my final year of varsity I picked up all the weight and then some... I weighed in at a whopping 107kgs.

5. The final stage of my weight gain, came in the form of "freedom" and "love"... I moved in with my boyfriend of 3 years. I was a housewife, an over-achiever at work, a new doggy mom. I had to run a household and had no clue how to do it. Although I learned a lot from my sister in the previous three years, I think the instant gratification attitude I had while growing up, stuck more than I thought. A typical day for me would be to stop at a Fresh Stop in the morning - I would get a grande hazelnut latte, with a cheese griller pie, a choc chip muffin, a guava juice, and maybe even a chocolate... By the time I got to the office, I would have finished most of it. Lunch was takeouts with colleagues, usually nachos, or Mochachos, or even sushi, pasta, pizzas. We loved Indian food. On my way home, I would grab take-aways for my boyfriend and me, usually a McFeast Meal (at least it wasn't large) and sometimes, even a McFlurry. Reflecting on this... I can't believe how much money I spent! And no wonder that after three years of living with my boyfriend my weight went up to an astounding 146kgs...

I AM SO ANGRY with myself. I am angry about what I did to my body - it's likely not going to be the same again. I am angry that I did this to my boyfriend - I didn't wait until marriage to let myself go. I am angry that I blamed everyone else for the impact on their weight - when it was all me baby. I am angry that I missed out on my 20s - I didn't want to miss out on food.

And when I'm finished being angry with myself (which hasn't happened yet) - I will forgive myself. I will be grateful for what I have accomplished. I will be thankful that my boyfriend stuck with me becoming an orca and then a fishy again. I will be respectful towards food - every. single. bite. But most of all - I will love myself again.

My relationship with food at this moment is one of respect - I need to be mindful of every bite. One of terror - it can easily do to me what it did before and I so desperately don't want to go back. One of deep sadness - it doesn't represent family time as much as it did while I grew up. One of loneliness - now that I don't eat or think about food and don't cook or bake anymore, I am continuously bored. One of gratitude - it's nourishing my body, and making me great again. One of admiration - being delicious and a party in my mouth when I do consume it mindfully. One that makes me feel like Dora Explora - cos I can explore new foods and recipes. But above all - one of content. I am perfectly happy with my relationship that I have food right now.

I will love myself again.

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2166 kcal

Exercise: Apple Health - 24 hours. more...