APhoebe's Journal, 18 Jul 23

As someone who also struggles with eating, and who has binged two days in a row, and over eaten a third day (yesterday), I just want to say YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT BACK AT SQUARE ONE! it is physically impossible to lose all the progress you've made in one,two, or even three days of overeating. in all honesty, it's mostly just bloating caused by water retention and your body's effort to digest the food. don't worry and don't give up! it's absolutely not the end of the world. I recommend you go back to your regular eating habits as soon as you feel ready. the biggest thing that helps me when I get in an episode of either overeating and compulsive eating, or binge-purging, is to get back on track immediately the next day. eat at your regular time even if you don't feel like it, as this will help you get back into your routine and keep you from waiting until you're too hungry and overeating again. although it may seem like a good idea, fasting and just not eating at all the next day can actually trigger more overeating, and has been found to actually do more harm than good (it screws with your metabolism). I'm really sorry you feel so down, but eat that tuna wrap and tell yourself that you are not back to square one! You've totally got this and you're gonna keep moving forward!  

It’s good that you are trying to figure out what is causing your feelings. Sometimes it’s best to try to fall back on developed healthy habits to get out of your head a bit. Hoping you start feeling better about things 💕 

Binge would be the better option. As long as you are lifting. You don’t be back at square one although it might feel like it. When you do cut back down you’ll have an upgrade in lean mass. 

Perhaps you can take the emotion out of eating by planning your meals - balance / calorie - logging them and eating them. Rooting for you Phoebe👍 

Food or lack of food should never be part of any punishment. Food is also not a reward. Please talk to friends and family. There are good days and bad days, but never days that you should feel like you have to punish yourself. You do not deserve to punish yourself. 

what is it that makes you feel depressed? I think that's the key. Lack of friends? your job? relationship? boredom? spiritual emptiness? work on that problem and think of food as CICO... a numbers game . If cravings are an issue, get with your Dr to discuss appitie suppressant for occasional help over the humps. I 100% agree with what angelicalovescake says. Frequent small meals, equal carbs to protein satisfies energy needs and feeds the muscle. You got this!!! 

"I'm using food again.", boy oh boy can I relate to that. I'm overly sensitive to some foods give me indigestion, others cause IBS symptoms that I would rather avoid, and there's always the emotional aspect of it. Hope you find some balance and peace with it, the battle rages daily.  

Fats feed your brain, don't skimp on fats. They're the bases of your hormones and mental health. If you've been restricting fats, perhaps it's time to reassess that. Mindy Pelz is helpful on female hormones. 

When I am scared that I am not good enough or that I will fail at something, I tend to create a scenario under which I never get the opportunity to fail... aka self-sabotage. Sending love your way. You are strong. You don't need to be afraid of feeling unworthy. We are all inherently worthy. Inherently valuable. Perfectly imperfect perfection. 💙  

I used to feed my anxiety and after working with a psychologist I realized my anxiety was fear of the unknown future. I am down 70 pounds from those days. I have always been physically active and that relived a great deal of stress over the years. 

Thanks everyone for your input and support. ❤️ I’m paying the piper I guess you could say. I’m just having unresolved issues coming at me fast and it’s new territory for me. Im noticing behavior that won’t help me and am trying to deal with life in a healthy way. Not always fun but the right way. Restricting food makes me feel in control and I recognize that but that doesn’t always help. I don’t want another crutch, I want some legs that work. If that makes any sense. Lol 

You got this! I can only imagine how difficult your journey has been but it seems to me that you are staying sober and that's huge! It takes time to reroute your brain to a healthier way of thinking. Be careful with food restrictions as that can cause ED. Control can be gained by living your life to your best ability 💜💜💜