Liv Lite's Journal, 24 Apr 23

A Story for Liv… I love your saying… so true :) This “comment” is a tad long - sorry :) my editor is on holidays… Some of us struggle more than others and because we don’t really know why, we seem to struggle in vain with never ending “theme & variations on a theme”! I write this because I think you are a writing warrior, and maybe we can put that to good use? This story evolves so please be patient with me :) A little over two years ago, on December 31, 2019 I picked up the keyboard for the first time and began to write introspectively. Don’t tell anybody, but it was the same night I blew a joint in 50 years. I am not a writer by nature or any other means. It was “the” single moment in my life, that came from a need to understand my childhood (age 6 on). I knew I needed to understand something about myself and I had no idea what it was, but there was something wrong with my life I couldn’t stand it anymore. Absolutely nothing was working for me including therapy. As interesting as the story might be, I won’t tire you with “all” of the details. Because ADHD was not even on the radar of anyone in those days, I was forced to suppress it by both family and teachers some of whom were terribly cruel. I never passed a grade after grade four. It took me 13 years to get through public school and I never went to high school. I could never accept how I could have a creative mind like mine and fail so miserably. So, I denied it to myself and everyone else. In spite of it, too young to enter the workforce, I went to libraries and taught myself everything I needed to know including reading. As a mature student I went to U of T to study music for 5 years. I got married, started and ran two major businesses, one hardwood lumber company, one software development firm, for 30 years of my life. I thought I was invincible? I got divorced, the businesses started failing miserably because I did not understand that my now missing ex-wife was doing all the executive function things that I was incapable of doing while I did all the creative end of the businesses. I was fifty years old when the businesses failed and I discovered that I could not do anything in the real world. I couldn’t hold a job for more than six months and everything I touched just fell apart including my weight, my mental health, my physical health, my attitude, my family and relationships all abandoned me. These struggles did countless damages to my ability to cope and I ended up on the streets closer to a year ago now. But I never stopped writing, and in September of 2022, I concluded that I had ADHD. Long story short, I got diagnosed in February of ‘23 and on proper medications that allowed therapy to work for me. Because of that, I was able to recover a wrongful government debt that allowed me to get off the streets and here I am on FS trying to get “my life back together”. Interesting that I chose to come here as part of my journey? It is all about wellness. I chose my mental and physical health as the gold standard for recovery — therapy - diet - exercise - I call those the weight-loss trifecta! They are the only focus of my life. Everything else is an obligation which I take on willingly as things arise. I don’t make big plans for the future, because I don’t have my present in order yet. Everything is about right now, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon? So, that’s my story, but it does not explain everything about the writing. Through my writings I learned about self discovery. I did not leave a stone unturned as I am still turning them over. I didn’t have to relive everything. Writing seems to allow you to remain detached and just act as the observer. But beyond my past, what was most important was that I started learning about myself, my behaviours. As I did that, I moved closer and closer to the present day. Because of it, I have enough of an understanding of who and what I am today, that it allows me to grow from those kernels. I knew each day that I was coming closer to the truth. It was exciting for me to learn! Even though it was a struggle to face some of these things, it was not a bad experience, not once, and I was very thorough. It took two years and I am still writing. 15 pages a week go to my therapist. In addition, I write therapeutically on FS. It may sound like a lot of work, but if you know why you have to do it, it is not work, it becomes a driven need to understand, and that is where the writing warrior comes in. For some reason, the is a bug in some of us that feeds a need to write. We get a sort of rush from drawing our thoughts together into what evolves as a reflection of our own truth’s. All we need is the “write” motivation and out comes a story. I highly suspect that you are one of those people. All I am hoping to do is open your mind, expand your horizons, and offer you new topics to explore. Searching for my “truth” was and is my primary motivation. Your search will be different than mine but the truth is always the motivation. I didn’t do it for weight loss or anything else. I did it for me. I have never done anything for me before! In so doing, I have put everything in place and I am not doing the “doing” as much as I am letting it happen. It is like I know where this is going now, and all I have to do is bump it and make adjustments in response to what I learn next about myself each day. If I am not learning something new about myself everyday, then I am not doing my job. I have learned to write every morning and every afternoon. Even with the meds, without this understanding, if I tried to lose weight or take on any other personal goal, I would persist, but it would all fell apart and I would be back to square one and starting over and over again. I also know that if I only focused on my weight loss, I would run out of gas, because intellectually, it is not enough to hold my attentions - the whole truth is not in my weight loss or diet alone. There are too many dead ends without tying my diet to my exercise and mental health. Together, the healthy eating comes naturally, as does the healthy thinking and the healthy activities, not all of them exercise. I think for a defined group of us, struggling with just one thing is never enough. We have to merge our mental and physical health to fight our wars. If we don’t feel like we are making weekly progress, we have to fight to figure out why. Don’t wait two weeks to make a positive change that you can apply now. We know it is not a numbers game for us, it is a head game. Sometimes that means going to, or going back to, or reassessing our therapy needs to evolve our thinking. If nothing is working, shake things up! Do not ever let things stay the same! I will tell you something about writing & therapy… I am so prolific with written self discoveries every week, that my therapist just has to guide me. He doesn’t give me things to work on. He just lets me write because I make more progress this way than I ever could filling in the blanks of some questionnaire. He likes they way I work so much, that he made me part of his doctoral thesis. He believes that writing warriors make more progress in therapy than anyone else… He also said, if you can only afford one thing, therapy or a gym membership, get the membership. He says you make more progress mentally, by establishing good physical health first. Then find the money for therapy afterwards if you feel you still need it. You don’t have to lose weight to be physically fit. You just have to be physically active. I just have to look at myself in the mirror to see the progress I have made. I am a totally different person because of these changes and it is only in a small part because of my weight. 10lbs does not make that big a difference to your appearances. I like that person I see in the mirror because he has an honest and true heart and as rudimentary as it may seem, he is doing something deeply meaningful with his life. That’s what I see in the mirror now. He wishes others could learn from him and do the same thing with theirs! I hope this story makes sense to you and I have not rambled on about nothing? Thinking of you! :) DV 

Sorry, it made it all one paragraph.  

Wowwwwwwww thank you, Drewsy!!!!! I am a writer! Only in heart & mind so far :) In fact, I have been making notes for a novel (have title, outline and the trilogy story. Part fiction, partly true loosely based on me) and everyone tells me to Just DO It!!!!! Thank you for a confirmation that it's time to write it out. Not to publish, just for my own creative soul. 

When I was in therapy, I did write volumes LOL. I do love the self-exploration! I do therapy worksheets now and again; have shared links on here previously :) 

Thank you for sharing, Drewsy! I love what your therapist said about physical health first. It's true; we need to move. Even just slightly more. Also, I want the weight loss journey within my novel, so gotta do it to write about it LOL. I am gonna write tonight! Woooohooooo 

Mon Pleasure mon ami! It is such a perfect way to be honest with yourself. I am going through my old journals, and now I am writing about how almost every one of those ideas have evolved into progress that I have made and still making. It is hard to see your progress otherwise. I knew I had come a long way, but I had no idea I had been through so much. Yes, write your heart out Kiddo. “It becomes you” :) DV  

Today or Apr24 is the perfect day to start living success. Our stories are different. Thankfully my health issues are in check at this point in time. 2023 I've been doing a lot of restarts in terms of losing weight. And questioning why did I eat that? You would think my health would be enough motivation to stay on path. It use to work. It does make me sad about your mobility issues. I do miss your Walk On Wednesdays adventures and pictures. I'm here in the struggle with you. Also love Motivational Monday, which does motivate me.