MissiKayla89's Journal, 17 Mar 18

Sigh! I’ve been down this road before... Lost 25kgs in just over two months - went from a size 14 to a size 8. I’m pretty tall for a woman - 1.87m - so I looked really, really thin. Had friends calling me from all over the world, literally crying and asking me if I was dying. It was hectic - but I loved the way it felt to try on clothes and they’d be too big.. I was exercising 1-4hrs a day (generally did 45-60mins cardio, then a Pilates class, followed by a yoga class; sometimes I’d do an hour roller derby in the eve as well). I was having a protein shake for bfast, a smoothie for lunch, and rice and mushrooms for dinner (sometimes just veg/just a chicken breast). The worst part of this all was that no matter how thin I got - I still felt like I could lose more. It became an obsession. I would say I was bordering on an eating disorder. Sometimes I’d get ringing in my ears from not eating. I’d feel faint and as though I was about to pass out. My hair started falling out and my cheekbones literally had shadows under them. But that still didn’t stop me.

Until one day, someone very close to me made a horrendously nasty comment about my weight - I wanted some McDonald’s as a 02:30am snack after a night out - and he called me a ‘fat disgusting pig’ (keep in mind I was already underweight) and that destroyed me.

Fast forward 2 years later and I’m 35kgs heavier. Now a size 16 - literally DOUBLE my old size... In all fairness, I was put on the wrong medication for 5yrs for a condition that I don’t actually even have- and that made me pick up a TON of weight. But I have always been a ‘bigger’ girl- being so tall, but I was always a size 12, which was healthy for my weight. But I’ve always felt huge next to the petite 1.5m girls who weigh like 50kg... My weight has affected me for as far back as I can remember, and I have been dieting and exercising and binge eating for years.

At the moment, I’m struggling to find the motivation to lose the weight again. I feel exhausted from the years and years of worrying about my weight. I just want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my clothing (and I have the most amazing wardrobe - fashion is my forte, haha) - I have tons of brand new clothing hanging in my cupboard that I can’t wear, because I’m too fat. But the more disheartened I feel, the more I eat. I’m such an emotional eater and I don’t know how to stop eating my feelings!

Nevertheless - I have to start this journey yet again, but this time with a different mindset- fit and healthy, not dying (literally) to fit into a size 8 again. So tonight I am having a ‘farewell fat’ dinner - going to eat my last supper, as far as unhealthy food is concerned, and then I’m back on this band wagon again- hopefully for good this time !!

♥️

113.5 kg Lost so far: 0 kg.    Still to go: 33.5 kg.    Diet followed: Reasonably Well.